Relationship PTSD
You have been in a relationship where there were a lot of traumatic experiences. There was arguing, hurtful words, even physical altercations. This can put you into relationship PTSD. Researchers are proposing calling it PTRS (post traumatic relationship syndrome). This relationship PTSD has scarred you and has made you fearful of getting stuck in the same situation as before. Well there is hope! The following is the diagnosis and steps to help cure you of this situation you are in. You will not get over it overnight but rest assured you will get over it and the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
The past relationship however it was bad had some good parts of it as well. The first good take out of the past relationship is that it finally ended. Burn that bridge and don’t go back. This relationship was bad for you, hence why you are reading this article. Yes you did have to go through a very rough patch and you feel like you can’t go through that again but you have to reflect on the relationship to learn from it to move forward. I know we all want to forget what happened but you don’t learn if you don’t look back for a second.
I went through relationship PTSD. After the breakup I swore off dating for a while. All I could remember from the last relationship was the arguing, the lack of intimacy, the nagging, I swore this is what all relationships were like. I was not putting myself through that ever again. When I would speak to my therapist she would always tell me I just saw a blip in the radar of what a relationship was.
I, like you, never believed when people would tell me that. On the day I opened my mind to what my therapist had told me and i started to read about relationships. I stopped pointing at my past and figured if i wanted to get out of this mindset I had to change myself. Maybe that is what you need to do. Get up off the ground and start moving to making a better you. If you survived the last relationship and you are back in the single pool, congratulations you removed yourself from something toxic. That is now something to stand on while you build yourself.
Talking to a professional
The myth we got from most of our parents was that seeing a counselor or therapist means you are crazy nd there is something really wrong with you. I was also told i must be crazy if i saw a counselor. Want to know the truth? Mental health is the most important check up you need. Your brain controls everything you do, everything. Why not get it checked out? Don’t listen to the outside sources seek a professional to get you where you need to be. If it means making you happy and getting over your relationship PTSD, go do it!
Looking back
Looking back at what happened in the past relationship will be hard. The good and bad memories will start to pop up into your memory. Your job now is to pull the lessons from this relationship so that moving forward you can find the signs and feelings you want and don’t want in the future. From these memories you can find what you need to work on personally and what to look for in a companion for the next relationship. If you just move forward without any change you can not expect different results.
Before you do any of this reflection don’t go back to the previous relationship. People don’t change overnight, your perspective of that person has changed. Burn that bridge, block communication, do whatever is necessary to not get back into that past that you dreaded so much. Look what it did to you, look where you are now.
During this review of your past relationship you want to take notes of feelings you had during the beginning middle and end. Take notes of the things you did well personally and as a couple. Did to pay attention to your partners needs, did you love them conditionally or unconditionally? Where you vulnerable and honest, or were you shut down and mysterious? Did you have deep conversations and share dreams and emotions, or was it all small talk? Was the physically attraction there or wasn’t any at all? Did you find your love language, did you know your partners?
This is the research phase of your life. This is where you find out what you really want. What your heart desires and what areas you can do better in. Did you feel like you were yourself in this relationship or did you have to put on an act to satisfy your partner. There should be no rock left unturned while you are gathering your information. Yes it will hurt to look back but having to cure relationship PTSD is so much more important than what happened in the past. We can’t change the past but we can definitely learn from it to make a better future.
Learning from your past
Now that you have taken notes on your previous relationships its time to put in the work to make the changes to your life. If you followed the steps correctly you know which areas you need to work on and which areas are perfect the way they are. Making a change to the person you were to where you want to be doesn’t happen overnight. You have to put in the work. This isnt that hard think about how hard it was to become the person you were. That took a lot of work and discipline.
From your list pick some areas you want to improve and figure out what the timeline is. You have to set up some goals even if they are little ones to get yourself on the right track. The reason why you have to work on yourself is due to the law of attraction. This law states that what you think about and work towards is what you are going to attract. If you want a positive and calm partner you have to work on being positive and calm. The quickest way to overcome relationship PTSD is to work on yourself. You can control who you become.
Lets get started.
Step 1 Find the area you want to make changes to and start researching and reading about how to make the changes. Let’s take communication for example. If you really want to learn how to communicate with someone and attract someone who also knows how to communicate you need to do your research and self improvement. Try talking to a counselor. They will teach you how to communicate and recommend reading materials for your current situation. Check out this link for 20% of your therapy session.
Step 2 Do your work. This means getting over your relationship PTSD and start making strides to a better you. Set a schedule to talk to a therapist weekly. Read the books they recommend and do this everyday. Self reflect and write a journal on your progress. You have to do the work to make a change in your life. You cant think about something and boom there it is. That happens in movies and fairy tales. This is real life, pull yourself together and get to work.
Step 3 Stay consistent. This means building a habit and putting in the work everyday until it becomes natural for you to work on yourself. As an example if you want to build muscle you going to the gym once a week isn’t going to cut it. You have to be at the gym everyday putting in the work to get the results you need. This works the same for changing yourself.
I know it takes work I have gone through relationship PTSD and I changes who I was and attracted who i wanted. I am not saying have your day consumed with this overtaking, I am saying do it daily for at least 30 minutes and you will start to see the changes you want. You have to put in the work. Make sure when you talk to your counselor you make a plan with them so you can stay on track. Have them hold you accountable.
Step 4 Journal your thoughts and lessons everyday. You need something to go back on the track your change. If you journal what you have gone through and what you are changing then you can look back and see if you made any progress. It is also a great idea to put your thoughts down on paper so you have something to go over with a counselor if you choose to get one. Keeping a journal of your thoughts will also help you discover other deep feelings you may never have known you had. Finding out who the real you is can be quite invigorating. You may have seem like your lost yourself in relationship PTSD now is the chance to find you again.
Step 5 Repeat for all issues you uncover during your soul search. Set up the different areas you want to change and set goals, time frames and reading materials you need to help you on your path. Do this for everything you find as a flaw to yourself. Finding the path to loving yourself and being the best you, you can be. You created to habit from the previous steps and now you can use that habit to build yourself better. You can redesign who you are and how you react. Find your love language, your emotional IQ. You will be great!
While you are rebuilding you as a new brand and have learned from your past start to visualize how you want your future to be. Immerse yourself in the feelings of being loved and giving love. Plan out your hobbies and things you want to share. While you are looking into the future make an I am willing statement. This will let you know what you are willing to give in take in a relationship. What is an I am willing statement.
I am willing
You make these statement everyday. I am willing to work for this company for 40 hours of my week, and i am willing to accept this salary. I am willing to be with this person as a partner. You also made an I am not willing statement when you got out of your last relationship. You have relationship PTSD but you are working on that now. Find out if you are willing to get back into the dating scene again. If you are not willing take a break, find yourself. Do your therapy and your self rebranding. There is only the right time for you, It’s your life!
I am willing statement
Here is a way to form an I am willing statement. I am willing to give and receive the love I deserve. I am willing to dedicate my time to build a new relationship. I am willing to be open and vulnerable to allow love to naturally happen. Now for the I am not willing. I am not willing to take any anger or abuse from my partner. I am not willing to be with anyone who is not consistent. I am not willing to be hurt or to be put in danger in any way. I am not willing to put in 100% and get back any less. This will Make the red flags for you instantly. Once you see a red flag its time to discuss them or move on. You are not willing to be put in the same situation that gave you relationship PTSD in the first place.
Keep this page bookmarked to go back into what you need to do. Don’t be discouraged if you fall off your plan. Change takes time and forgiving your past takes time as well. Speak to a counselor to help get you on your right track. This blip you are going through is only temporary. Put in the work, make the changes, become the best you. YOUR FUTURE IS BRIGHT!
Here are some more articles to help with your relationship PTSD